I choose to be led by the divine.

This post is a prelude to an upcoming write up about a meditation session I attended at St. Antony’s Priory. But before I talk about dealing with silence I figured first I should discuss the reason for the noise.

I have come a long way. Perhaps not since yesterday but if I look back over the past say, five years, I can see measurable change. This five year mark stings for me. Five years ago I was a happily married woman. We doted on each other. Our house was filled with love, respect and companionship.  We had discovered I was pregnant right around now, August 2007. I was close to 11 weeks pregnant. I had been terribly ill with a virus so all the signs of pregnancy where misattributed and dismissed. Pregnancy was the last thing on our minds so the discovery of a fetus during an ultrasound to discover what was wrong with me (complete with fingers and toes!!) was a shock, to say the least. A few months later my mother died; also an unexpected surprise. And a few months later still I had my son and the trauma. Life stopped there. I try to conceptualise this period as a type of pause. I existed. The world spun around me but I wasn’t really there. I looked at the husband whom I  had adored, and saw a stranger. I lashed out. I blamed him. After all, if he had just been supportive. If he hadn’t been so focused on finishing his precious PhD he would have noticed I was in need of support and help. Hadn’t he realised I had lost my mother AND experienced a trauma? He was there after all. He had seen the whole thing and did nothing about it. Hadn’t he  bullied and cajoled me to move to England, despite my pleas to stay in Canada, when our son was just a few months old? Looking back now I can see that he was just as lost; he didn’t know how to help. Because I had become a stranger to him. In an instant. In that one day, as cliché as it sounds, our lives had forever changed.

I am blessed with lots of inspiring friends. Fantastic kind-hearted loving people who shine in the world. During a conversation I had this week I got to thinking about five-year cycles. A friend was telling me how far she had come in the past five years. Almost exactly five years ago she separated from her husband (just shy of their 10th wedding anniversary), had flown to a conference where she met the man who is now her husband. Eventually she relocated to England, gave up neuroscience and is starting an exciting new business. As we chatted I remembered the rough road she travelled. The attempts to save her first marriage. The fear, the doubt, the tears. The implications of divorce: child sharing with an unreasonable (my word, not hers) man half a world apart. She is in England. Her ex-husband is in New Zealand. She had every reason to stay as she was. She had every excuse to not change her life. But she didn’t. She rallied. She dug deep and found courage. She looked fear in the face and pushed past. But how? She trusted herself. She believed in herself. One day at a time. One breath at a time. One choice at a time.

There’s a lot of talk in popular culture about change. Simply Google ‘self-help books’ and you’ll have more ‘help’ and spam than you ever thought possible. For so long (during that period where I existed as if a pause button had been pressed within me), I groped in the dark for a panacea that would set me on the right track. Having listened to my friend, and reflected on my own life, I can see now there IS a panacea. It is as simple as listening to that small voice inside oneself. Call it intuition, call it self, gut, instinct, cosmic connection, perceptibility, emotional intelligence,  or whatever label works for you. What I hear are God’s whispers. Just for me; guiding, protecting, leading.

My life has fallen apart these past five years. I don’t have a happy story to tell like my friend does, but as she reminded me, she had five before that mostly on pause. For anyone who has followed me for any length of time on Twitter you’ll know I joined in 2009 to play out the success or the end of my marriage. It had morphed into something unhealthy, unfulfilling, uncaring, unloving and lacking in respect. My husband and I refused to tolerate not loving each other. I am fortunate that we share the value system where staying together for material gain and comfort is inappropriate.  We both wanted the real thing, we just didn’t know if we could find it in each other. Nearly two years ago he shared with me news of an affair. We separated. We decided we wouldn’t come back together until we learned to be friends. Honest, open and respecting each other. We didn’t know if that would come in the form of divorce or the renewal of our marriage. We came together briefly last Autumn (during the immigration/visa saga, for those who were following on Twitter back then) but split again at the start of 2012. Why? First, he had a job where he worked away during the week so there was a physical separation but also, and this is the main point: I needed to stop blaming him. I needed to stop using him, his neglect, his philandering, his career, *fill in the blank circumstances*, as excuses. Because the truth remained I was on pause because I allowed myself to be. No, I didn’t choose my trauma. It happened to me. But what happened after was up to me. I had become a bitter, angry, nasty woman. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise myself. I had every reason to stay angry. But anger meant staying on pause. That terrible uncomfortable place where I was waiting for someone else to do something so that I could then get on with my life. I needed to be away from my husband. I needed him out of my everyday life. I needed to make decisions without him. When he was there it was just too convenient to blame him. We would then get entangled in mundane spurious issues. Whether or not I could trust him again was, and is, irrelevant. Whether or not I could/can trust myself is the question of the hour.

I read lots about Letting Go Of Anger. I still don’t know what the hell that means. Focusing on the anger just creates more of it, even if the intention is to let go.  I started to focus on what I could do. Because, you see, I had learned that change doesn’t happen in a moment. It happens in small increments so small they seem on the surface insignificant and immeasurable, but over time, say five years, each of these small moments add up to a huge sum. The sum I had was anger and bitterness. I started to make better choices. I redefined success. I focused on me. I started to trust and love again. This didn’t come without its follies! Oh! I have trusted the wrong people and have been betrayed! I have been naive and foolish! But anger is not the answer. After allowing my so-called friends Bitterness and Spite to shack up in my soul for years there is no longer any room for them. Their children Resentment and Animosity aren’t welcome either. When my life is filled with all this negativity I can’t hear God’s whispers. I look for all these emotions. They are signs. Signs I am making subconscious excuses. Signs that I am choosing to stay on pause.

I became bitter, nasty and angry because I was afraid. Fear discouraged me from coming off pause. It was easier to blame and hate myself, my husband, others, for being placed on pause in the first place. And what if I came off pause just to discover I couldn’t cope with the world? Did all this really boil down to a fear of failure?

Each moment matters. I can’t think about the future. I get too anxious. I have highlighted some major excuses in my life. For example, money. How will I survive without my husband?! I sacrificed my career for his. I left my family and my country for him (and was bullied into it, I might add). HE OWES ME. I have to give myself a red flag there. I’m an educated, intelligent woman. I can make my own money. So why don’t I? Fear. There are 1000 things to fear. I’m on my own with my son all week. Coping is hard enough as it is! What if I fail? What if I’m not clever enough? What if? What if? What if? Then comes the blame. Well, if my husband would just do *fill in the blank* then I could *fill in the blank*. This sort of thinking was making me crazy, was making me hate myself and was keeping me in a rut. I think deep down I was afraid that if I moved forward with my life we would grow even further apart. I was waiting for us to progress as a team. But we weren’t a team. Hadn’t been since 2007. I need to do this for me. I need to be assertive. I need to will confidence where there is none. I need to create a life where I can hear God’s whispers. Because then I will be led by the divine.

What do you choose today? Where were you five years ago? And more importantly, where will you be five years from now? Don’t be scared! Don’t be overwhelmed. You have five years to get the job done. One small, discrete choice at a time. There is plenty of time. If you start today.

Much love,

Bape xx